Introducing: Raptor Candidate! (LOL)
Posted by Daren Jaques on December 17, 2007
by Daren Jaques
Des Moines, IA - Raptor Jesus announced an important endorsement in the presidential race today; he endorsed a political newcomer, a carnivorous bipedal lizard named Raptor Candidate. Many delusional voters thought Raptor Jesus might endorse Mike Huckabee, but insiders knew differently. Raptor Jesus lived epochs before “regular” Jesus, and thus he is far wiser. While Huckabee likes to insinuate he is running with regular Jesus’ blessing, many have doubts.
Regardless, Raptor Jesus addressed an ecstatic crowd in the Corn state today. Raptor Jesus said, “I GR8fully acknowledge all the support I’ve received from u all. You’re Dino-mite! LOL! As for the calls 4 my own candidacy 4 office, I humbly decline. However, I exhort you to give full support 2 my good friend, Raptor Candidate!”
Raptor Candidate took the podium and proceeded to lay out his platform; notable planks include:
* Extinction of the IRS
* Increased funding for NASA’s Meteor Watch program
* An uzi for every man woman and child
* legalize the sale of babies (LOL!)
* Make CHATROOM the official language of the virtual U.S.
When asked about whom he might select as a running mate, Raptor Candidate was coy, but said he might approach “Chuck Norris” or perhaps H.P. Lovecraft’s evil megamonster “Cthulhu.”[campaign poster pictured below]. Norris is a known Huckster supporter, and Cthulhu, who has a notable following and is still technically in the race, could not be reached at his undersea lair for comment.
CBB will keep you posted on further developments from the “Meatbags for Raptor” campaign.
December 17, 2007 at 8:16 am
[...] (LOL) 17 Dec 2007 | 07:48 am | Category: Uncategorized Matt Watson wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptby Daren Jaques. Raptor Candidate. [...]
December 17, 2007 at 8:21 am
“Why vote for a lesser evil?” I may have to use that as my motto when I run for mayor of Waverly someday. That rules.
December 17, 2007 at 8:57 am
Anyone know who Matt Watson is? I followed that link and it reads, “Matt Watson wrote an intresting post today…” when you click on ‘Matt Watson’ it directs you to my post. Just confused cuz my name ain’t Matt Watson.
December 17, 2007 at 10:44 am
dunno… right below that it says:
Here’s a quick excerpt
by Daren Jaques.
December 17, 2007 at 10:46 am
Oh.. I get it.. Matt Watson is the dude who wrote that blog entry. Every entry on that blog starts with [insert name] wrote an interesting post today.
December 17, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Spam blogs…
December 17, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Mayor of Waverly? Heck, I’ll use that when I run for District 94 State Representative in 2016.
December 17, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Heh, when I’m mayor I am going to do away with people saying ‘your honor’ in council meetings. Instead I am going to take the title of Overlord.
December 17, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Daren–
Thanks for the comment today! I’ve been reading the Corn . Beltway boys faithfully and enjoying it but hadn’t commented–but did recognize the name! Best wishes to you!
Senator Jeff Angelo
December 18, 2007 at 3:11 am
classic. Always love a good Cthulhu reference. Great poster!