The Corn Beltway Boys

I generally don’t name drop here on CBB because I feel the practice to be a tad pretentious.  However today I make an exception as a good friend of mine is in trouble and he needs our help  (but more my help because the letter was addressed to me after all).   Yesterday in the mail I received a packet from Leo, you all probably know him as Leonardo DiCaprio. Anyway Caprio was writing to make me aware that the polar bears are sending out an S.O.S.  As a side note, my money was on the dolphins to be the first animal to learn to use Morse code, but apparently the polar bears beat them to it.

It goes without saying the plight of the polar bear is being driven by the evil Bush administration.  According to Leo, in just seven short years George W. Bush not only caused global warming but also irrevocably changed the Earth’s climate.  That is unless you and I send $20 in a postage paid envelope to the Natural Resources Defense Council.  And it’s not just the good feeling you’ll have deep down inside (way deep down inside), but you will also receive a ‘Save The Polar Bear!’ canvas tote.

Sure I could send a 10 spot, but a letter expressing my feelings would probably go a lot further.  It obviously did for Leonardo:

Dear Mr. DiCrapio,

I wanted to let you know I appreciated your letter outlining how global warming is threatening to destroy the polar bears.  Of course it would have meant more to me if I gave a fuck, but whatever.  You go ahead keep chopping down trees to make your junk mail.  I can only assume you’ve invented some new way of transporting the letter from California to Iowa that doesn’t involve using fossil fuels?  Hey, maybe I could help you fight global warming while flying around with you on your private jet?  We could be the pioneers of jet-pooling.

I understand you might be a little disconnected from reality after becoming a huge celebrity by starring in romantic movie that was set against the backdrop of 1,517 people dying, but let me clue you in to how things are in the real America.  Times are rough.  I just sold my small business and had to get a real job (you should be able to appreciate how much a real job sucks…or maybe you don’t).  Gas prices are killing my budget.  Oh could drive less, but then I would also work less.  However as I am only a few missed paychecks away from going bankrupt, driving less to save a fucking bear in Alaska doesn’t rate very high on my list of priorities.   Instead my wife, four kids and I will continue to create a yearly carbon footprint that’s less than you could ever hope to have, but you go ahead and keep sending me your hypocritical bullshit.  It gives me something to blog about.

P.S. Could you put me in contact with a good director and producer?  I have great idea for a love story.  Picture this: It’s May 3rd, 1937.  A pair of star crossed lovers are preparing to board a transatlantic airship called the Hindenburg.  He is going to America to meet up with and marry his high school sweetheart.  She is penniless and only just barely made the trip after signing on to be a wealthy women’s personal assistant.  After three days of romance and sex the two lovers decide that once they land in America they will marry and live happily every after.  Then disaster strikes and their love goes down in flames, literally.  The Hindenburg crashes and burns.  He then lives a disfigured life pining for the lost love that went up in smoke. Here are some tag-lines I’ve come up with:

HINDENBURG (a poof on the movie Titanic)

-An explosive love story.

-Theirs was a fiery love…

Thank you and have a great day ,

Jeremie Jordan

…and by the way thanks for ruining the good name of Leonardo that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles spent years building.